Panto

I haven’t updated this for a couple of days. I hope that doesn’t mean I fail. Nothing much has happened anyway, Gary Peters has indeed departed Shrewsbury Town, which is nice, Skins failed to impress me on Monday night and for whatever reason me and my mate decided to start writing a mock panto the other day. It’s terrible.

SCENE 1

Dog is sitting at the breakfast table in the centre of a dingy, dark, underground kitchen. He has his feet up on the table and is reading a magazine called ‘Meat’. Hedgehog enters
Hedgehog:
(yawning)
Heeeey Doggy me old mate! How’s it hanging?

Dog:
(not looking up from paper)
Good Morning Hedgehog. I trust you slept well?

Hedgehog:
Like an absolute stinker. Must have had a fruity 12 hours.

Dog:
That’s good to hear. Right, it’s my turn to make breakfast this morning, what would you like to start off the day?

Hedgehog:
Hmmm. Tell you what sunshine, I fancy some of your dog food.

Dog:
(incredulously)
Dog Food?!

Hedgehog:
Yeah with just a light sprinkling of milk…and maybe some Shreddies.

Dog:
Why the pebbles do you want some of my dog food?

Hedgehog:
Well, Dog. I’ve been meaning to talk to you about this for quite some time now. You see, for as long as I can remember, ever since I was very small, I’ve always fancied being a dog. I love dogs, the way they get to chew on bones and wee wherever they like, it’s fantastic. I want a piece of the dog action. I thought the best way to start would be to eat like you canines do.

Dog:
I think it’s a stupid idea.

Hedgehog:
Bung with what you think, you smelly old thing. You remember the deal we made, you have to prepare whatever I like for brekky – otherwise I get to drink your knees. Do it.

Dog:
(sighs)
Fine.
Dog stands up from the table and walks to the cupboard.
Dog:
(to audience)
I’m the only Dog around here, what’s that stupid pointy hog thinking of? I can’t have any competition in the woods. I win all the dog shows…I’m the top dog, the head honcho, the main man, the big cheese. I hate that flaming Hedgehog, he rubs me up something proper…I wish he would just die.
(sudden inspiration)
I’ve got a plan! I’ll kill him myself, but first I will send him on an elaborately convoluted and yet ultimately stupid quest, and then chop his face off.
Dog grabs a tin of food from the shelf and returns to the table, handing it to Hedgehog.

 

Hedgehog:
Thanks a squillion, Dog – how am I going to open it with these paws?

Dog:
Use your quills, fool, they’re sharp as a wasp’s pen-knife. I just want to say sorry for rubbishing your idea earlier. I’ve thought about it, and actually it’d be pretty good to have another dog on the scene, you know to give me a little competition at the dog shows. I’ll show you the dog-ropes. In fact, I’ve got a mate that might be able to help you become a dog.

Hedgehog:
(enthusiastically)
Really? Who’s that?

Dog:
Well, it’s just a bloke I used to gig with back in ’86. He’s called Billy Bonka – but we all knew him as ‘Oxygen’. He’s a bit of a wildcard, wears some quite stupid hats, but he’s a sound bloke.

Hedgehog:
And how can he help me?

Dog:
Well, old Billy is a personal friend of the Lord of the Pimms? You know him? Lives up the Smartie Beanstalk in the skytram? Yeah well anyway, Billy can tell you where to get a Dalek’s brain to give to the Lord of the Pimms so that he’ll magically turn you into a dog.

Hedgehog:
A dalek’s brain? What on earth for?

Dog:
The Lord of the Pimms is the world’s most revered collector of dalek brains, just like you and Polly Pockets.

Hedgehog:
Oi! Keep it down…I don’t want everyone knowing about it. There’ll be paparazzi a knocking before you can say ‘peanuts in a sock’.

Dog:
So anyway, Billy lives just over the hill by the Crag of Death, if you set out now you’ll probably find him shearing his sheep.

Hedgehog:
Sheep?

Dog:
Yes, sheep. The ska lifestyle and his love of marshmellows took its toll on him and he had to jack it all in and start a small wool jumper outlet in the country.

Hedgehog.
(excitedly)
I better get cracking then. Thanks very much Dog!

Dog:
No worries, and good luck!
As Hedgehog bustles off, Dog lets out a manic, sordid laugh.
********************************************

 

So yeah. West End here we come.